Adulting is hard

My in-laws are cup obsessed. They have a lot of cups in different colors, sizes and with different phrases on them. One of them says: Adulting is hard. 

At first, I thought it was funny, but thinking about it I feel like it is true. While growing up you have to make big decisions, work towards your goals, and start walking your own path.

In the process, there are many things you will lose, including people

One of the hardest things I have done in my life was deciding to leave my mother’s and grandparent’s (from my mom’s side) house. We are not in the best of terms now, and on the way I lost my beloved brother and cousin, and during these past few weeks it has hit me harder than ever.

I left because they couldn’t accept me for who I really am. Everything is about what they want. They don’t care about my dreams, goals, and aspirations I have for myself. They weren’t supportive of anything I wanted in general; I had no freedom to choose simple things as: my style, my job, my religion, my music, my activities, my studies, my points of view, if I want to date or not, who to date, my friends, hobbies, and many more.

The day I left I questioned them about all of those things. They just said “if you don’t like it, just go”, which is what I did. The only thing I ever asked for was the opportunity to prove myself.

Sometimes I ask myself: was it the right decision? Am I even going to make it? Will the sacrifice I did be worth it?

Sometimes I think: “It’s gonna be okay, I will make it”.

Sometimes I see all the support I have from my dad’s family, my boyfriend and my in-laws and feel loved.

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing something.

It’s during times like this that I start to question everything I’ve done, all my plans, and my priorities. During these days I lived in the darkness I wrote a poem expressing exactly how I’ve been feeling.

 

I’m sorry for breaking your heart
Sorry for leaving your house
And for living my life
The way that I want

I’m sorry for letting you down
For not meeting your expectations
For choosing this path that I found
For taking the risk to follow my heart

I’m sorry, I’m not perfect
I’m not who I am supposed to be
A perfect daughter is what you expect
Sorry, that’s not me

Please understand
I can’t be perfect
Please understand
I have to go my own way

The real me is thriving
I’m getting closer to myself
I hope one day you understand
That this was the best I could make

I hope to see you once again
Maybe not today, or tomorrow
But at least one last time
So we don’t live in sorrow

I want to tell you these words
And want you to know that
I still think about you
Even though we are apart

I send you strength and love
And I hope you are alright
You remain in my thoughts
Every day and every night

I will always find a way
To let you know I’m okay
I want you to be happy
I want you to feel calm

Even though you’ve hurt me
I still love you
You’re a part of me
I will never forget

I hope one day you accept
Who I really am
And I hope you would say
“I’m proud” at least once

 

The truth is: If I want to make them proud all the time, I won’t be true to myself. Right now, what matters the most to me is: Finding myself, my journey and working towards my goals to grow both personally and professionally. If I made this decision was to improve myself and to be better.

This period of darkness I just got out of has made me stronger. And my message for you today is: Do what makes you happy, and follow the dreams you are extremely sure of and passionate about. 

 

2 comentarios

  1. Elly Melo · octubre 15, 2018

    I am so sorry that you’ve had to walk away from some of your family, lovely, I can’t imagine what you’re going through, sending you love and a big hug. That toxicity is harmful though and I hope that eventually you start to feel lighter and it all feels better. I think it’s amazing that you’ve chosen yourself above others, that’s self-care and your love for you has to come first. Your mum and grandparents are not accepting you for who you are, and that’s on them. That’s wrong of them; you’re your own individual person and they have no right trying to force you to live a fals life, as if you’re a second chance for them to live their young lives. I’m truly sorry for what you’re going through, I wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Sending you love and hugs

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  2. Malinda · octubre 17, 2018

    Best wishes on your journey! You’re right, you can’t put everyone’s needs above your own.

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